The Lord of the Changelings and Strange Things
by Ethuil
Summary: A Play in Three Acts. A LotR parody which focuses on the changes "Fatty Jackson"'s films made to the books.
1. Act I: The Fellowship of the Ring

**The Lord of the Changelings and Strange Things****.**

**A Play in Three Acts.**

**Act I****: The Fellowship of the Ring**

**Scene 1**

[_The Shire. FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN are trudging along on a country road._]

SAM: [_sings_] "On top of spaghetti,  
All covered with cheese,  
I lost my poor meatball,  
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,  
And on to the floor,  
And then my poor meatball,  
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,  
And under a bush,  
And then my poor meatball,  
Was nothing but mush.

The mush was as tasty  
As tasty could be,  
And then the next summer,  
It grew into a tree.

The tree was all covered,  
All covered with moss,  
And on it grew meatballs,  
And tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,  
All covered with cheese,  
Hold on to your meatball,  
Whenever you sneeze."

MERRY: Tell me again, Frodo: Where are we going?

FRODO: To Bree, because Gandalf said so. It's got something to do with a secret of mine and whether it is secret and whether it is safe.

SAM: [_sticks out tongue at Merry and Pippin_] Nanananaaana! In _this_ play only _I_ am supposed to know about it!

PIPPIN: By the way, where's Fatty?

FRODO: Didn't I tell you? He's directing the play, so he's kept himself out of it. He can't be in two places at once!

MERRY: Oh yes he can! Remember my birthday party last year when he was sitting on his own chair and on half of mine as well?

-

**Scene**** 2**

[_FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN are running through dark countryside at night, towards Bucklebury Ferry. A BLACK RIDER is in pursuit of them._]

TOM BOMBADIL: Where's the Old Forest disappeared to?

FATTY JACKSON: Shut up!

FRODO: Hey guys, look, this is cool! You've always said I was the slowest of us, but look, I'm faster than a horse! This Black Rider has been pursuing me for 15 minutes now, and he isn't getting any closer! On the contrary, the distance between us is increasing! And I'm just on foot! Yeah! I'm Tiger-Frodo! Cheetah-Frodo! Guinness-Book-Frodo!

BLACK RIDER: Fatty, that's not fair!

FATTY JACKSON: Shut up!

-

**Scene ****3**

[_At the Prancing Pony in Bree._]

PIPPIN: Baggins? Of course I know a Baggins! Frodo Baggins over there. He's my second cousin removed on my mother's side…

FRODO: Pippin, nooooooooo!!! [slips and accidentally gets the ring on his finger, disappears]

TOM BOMBADIL: Nonononostop! Now you're going too far, Fatty! Look, I know I'm just a godlike being shut up in a wood babbling nonsense syllables, and I know I don't care about the ring or the fate of Middle Earth either; and I don't mind if you leave out Old Man Willow or Goldberry or me, and it doesn't matter to me where the hobbits get their swords from – but _what the hell happened to that lovely song about the cat and the fiddle and the dish that ran off with the spoon?????!!!!!_

FATTY JACKSON: Ok! That's it! I've had enough of your whining! You're out! Merry and Pippin can have your comic relief.

MERRY: Wait a minute!

FATTY JACKSON: … and Gimli!

GIMLI: Everyone discriminates against the vertically challenged!

TOM BOMBADIL: As if I ever had been in in the first place!

-

**Scene**** 4**

[_Somewhere in the forest between Bree and Weathertop_]

MERRY: Sam, could I have something to eat from your backpack?

SAM: No way! Go and get your own food!

PIPPIN: Sam, could I have one of your warm woollen jackets? I'm freezing.

SAM: Nope.

MERRY: At least some new underpants? Please? I haven't changed mine for … how many days? Frodo? When did we start this journey?

PIPPIN: Oh yes, underpants! Sam! Pleeeeeaaaaase!

SAM: Once and for all, no! You could have brought your own packs!

MERRY and PIPPIN: But we didn't know about this journey! No-one told us!

SAM: That's bad luck then.

MERRY: But that's unfair! In the book we would have known! We would have had a chance to pack our pipes and everything!

SAM: [_grinning evilly_] Well, go complain to Fatty then.

-

**Scene**** 5**

[_Somewhere in the forest between Weathertop and Rivendell._]

SAM: Strider! You have to do something! Mr Frodo is getting weaker and weaker! That Morgul blade will kill him!

ARAGORN: Let me go and look for some healing herbs, though they might be of little help. We need to get him to Rivendell as soon as possible.

[_goes off into the woods to cut some herbs_]

ARWEN: [_holds a blade to Aragorn's throat_] What have we got here? A ranger caught off his guard?

ARAGORN: Arwen! Darling! You nearly gave me a heart attack! What's happened to you???

ARWEN [_pouting_]: I'm here to rescue Frodo.

ARAGORN: That's men's work! What happened to Glorfindel?

ARWEN: He's at home doing his hair.

ARAGORN: Arrrghhhh! Didn't we agree that you would sit at home and cook my dinner while I go out and do heroic deeds unselfishly and unnoticed by people (save those hearing the songs that are later composed in my honour and to my praise)? Didn't we agree to keep the traditional gender roles intact? I could have married Eowyn otherwise and saved all that hassle bartering with Elrond!

ARWEN: Don't get grumpy with _me_! Don't you think I'd rather stay by the fire and read the latest Elvamunde Pilchiel novel than get a sore bum on this horse in this cold, not to mention my ruined hairstyle?! Ask Fatty, it's his doing!!!

ARAGORN: Fattyyyyy!!!!!!

FATTY JACKSON: Calm down, man. Look, we don't cater to a Victorian audience. Our audience want to see strong, emancipated women. They want to see a) women, b) sexy women, c) nearly naked women, d) lots of s… kissing and smooching.

ARAGORN: Wait a minute! Are you telling me we have to… _kiss_???!!! In front of the camera???!!!

ARWEN: You better start practising now, darling. We don't want everyone to know about our personal relationship problems, do we?

ARAGORN: But I have to practise _fighting_! Anyway, we don't have to kiss till Act Three, or the Appendices even. So there's plenty of time to practise, isn't there, Fatty?

FATTY JACKSON: [_dirty grin_] I'd start practising now if I were you… [_hums and examines his fingernails_]

ARAGORN: Wait till Tom Bombadil hears this!

-

**Scene**** 6**

[_A room in Rivendell. FRODO is lying in bed with a bandage on his shoulder, GANDALF is sitting beside his bed, SAM and FATTY are standing at the door_]

SAM: No way! I'm not going to kiss Mr Frodo, and I'm not going to look at him in such a way either! I'm a respectable hobbit!

FATTY JACKSON: [_nearly losing his patience_] Sam, how often do I have to tell you? The audience wants some gay undercurrents. In fact, a _lot of_ gay undercurrents. Or overcurrents, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna tell Merry and Pippin as well. You see, having possibly gay heroes will pacify our minorities and make the film politically correct. And we bitterly need that. Remember, we could already be charged with racism: all the good guys in this film are white, and all the Orcs and Easterlings and Haradrim and what not have a "swarthy" and dark complexion…

GANDALF: But Sauron is an albino!

[_They all stare at him.]_

GANDALF: [_shrugs_] He's got red eyes.

FATTY JACKSON: [_rolls eyes_] Anyway, Sam, I hope you see the need for this.

GANDALF: Sammy, can we swap roles? Pleeeaaaase?

SAM: [_stares at Gandalf even harder_]

GANDALF: [_to Fatty Jackson_] Fatty, can I be a pervy hobbit fancier? Pleeeeaaaaase????

-

**Scene 7**

[_At the gates of Rivendell, THE NINE COMPANIONS are leaving_.]

ELROND: Sooooo, there are niiiine companions to go to Morrrrrrdor and cast the ring into the everlaaaaaasting fire. Setteth ye forth now and be ye successful like the … sun? … moon? … stars? … rising?… setting? … in between? … Fatty, I've run out of similes! Erm… [_racks his brain_] … The dark is rising! Doom is at hand! My heart iseth heavy within me! Fare ye weeeelllll!

THE FELLOWSHIP: Bye, Elrond! And thanks for everything!

LEGOLAS: "Fare thee well, and if for ever, still for ever, fare thee well!" [_Aside:_] Ha, I've topped him! Illiterate idiot! [_smirks_]

MERRY: Legolas?

LEGOLAS: Yes, little round-cave-dweller?

MERRY: Er… why do you Elves speak so strangely?

LEGOLAS: Well… Fatty Jackson told us to speak really poetically and old-fashioned. So we, like, found some things in some old prayer books and stuff. I'm never so sure though where exactly to put the "thee"s and "thou"s and "eth"s. So I try to place them, like, more or less evenly in my sentence…eth.

MERRY: Oh!

LEGOLAS: Yes, you thee… er, seeth, we Elves are supposed to be around for thousands of years, with basically nothing to do but develop arts and culture, so we couldn't be expected to learn other people's languages, or keep our own up to date, now, couldeth we?

MERRY: [_confused_] No, I suppose not.


	2. Act II: The Two Towers

**Act II: The Two Towers**

**Scene 1**

EYE OF SAURON: Audience! Look into my eye! Look deep into my eye!

AUDIENCE: Sure, there isn't much else of you to look at.

EYE OF SAURON: Look deep into my eye! You are tired … very tired. Look deep into my eye! You forget the book … you forget your critical thinking … your head feels light … tired … you do _not_ object to Arwen featuring in "The Two Towers" … you will find it _perfectly_ natural … you will wake up now. You will not remember that you have ever seen me!

FATTY JACKSON: Okay, guys, we can start now. Oh no, hang on… Forgot an important detail. Er, Saury…

EYE OF SAURON: Audience! Look deep into my eye! … It makes perfect sense that Arwen's fate is connected with the ring. It makes sense that she must pine and die if the ring isn't destroyed. It makes sense that she is getting weaker and weaker until she can't hold her Elvamunde Pilchiel novel any more, and that that pitiful martyr look is getting stronger and stronger in her eyes with every moment the ring isn't destroyed. It _does_ make sense even though it doesn't make sense. Audience, repeat after me: It _does_ make sense. I need no explanation. I will not question this although I do not understand it. I will not be enraged by this although it is perfect nonsense. Audience, wake up now and forget that this conversation has ever happened.

FATTY JACKSON: Ok, guys, now we can finally start on "The Two Towers"!

TOM BOMBADIL: [_goes and drowns himself in the Withywindle_.]

-

**Scene 2**

[_ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are sprinting through a desolate countryside, hunting for "some Orc" and trying to rescue Merry and Pippin who are in the hands of the Orcs_.]

GIMLI: Why do I get named last and why do I get the stupid "Orc" quote without the plural "s" as if I didn't know my grammar and why is my quote made fun of in the stage directions and why do I have to be last and not be able to keep up with the man and the elf and why do I have to make funny jokes about that on top of it all??? Everyone is discriminating against the vertically challenged!

ARAGORN: Comeon, Gimli! We have to hurry!

GIMLI: Noooooo!!!! I'm gonna tell Fatty!!!! You're discriminating against the vertically challenged!

[_ARAGORN and LEGOLAS blanch_.]

ARAGORN: Ok, ok, let's have a break then.

[_GIMLI grins triumphantly. Everyone starts rummaging through their bags in search of food_.]

LEGOLAS: Oh shiiit!!!! Erm… sorry: A dark thundercloud broodeth in mine heart! I have forgotten the bone and marrow of my equipment! Has anyone thought…eth to bring some conditioner?

ARAGORN: Conditioner? What on Middle Earth is that?

LEGOLAS: Some shampoo at least, then?

ARAGORN: [_blank look_]

LEGOLAS: Oh just forget it! …eth.

-

**Scene 3**

[_ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and the Rohirrim are marching towards Helm's Deep_.]

GIMLI: … so that's why the beards of the dwarf women are actually thicker than those of the dwarf men.

ARAGORN: Hahaha! [_smiling at Gimli in a patronising way_]

EOWYN: Hahaha! [_ogling Aragorn_]

FATTY JACKSON: This won't do. People are marching and wandering and journeying and walking far too much in this play. I don't want this quest to become too much of a quest thingy. What we need is some se… – some kis… – what we need until Aragorn has practised more is some fighting scenes. Yes, this play needs more fighting scenes! But we need something new, something unlooked-for, something that's not in the book…

GIMLI: How about we take your stuffed wombat collection and turn them into stupid-looking, teddybear-like monsters? They could be sold off as Wargs and Orc-s (!) could ride on them and we could fight them.

FATTY JACKSON: Gimli, that is a _great_ idea! Legolas, go and get my wombat collection! And Aragorn, remind me to cut the dwarf's comment later. It isn't in keeping with his function of comic relief.

LEGOLAS: [_gloatingly_] We could have him get squashed under a wombat or something…eth.

-

**Scene 4**

[_Helm's Deep. The Rohirrim and their allies are preparing for battle_.]

ARAGORN: So, Gimli, have you thought up enough jokes about your short legs yet for this fight to satisfy Fatty?

GIMLI: Are you trying to discriminate against the vertically challenged?

ARAGORN: Nonono, Eru forbid! Actually I was trying to pay a compliment.

GIMLI [_looks at Aragorn suspiciously, then kicks him in the shins; they jostle each other_]

LEGOLAS: [_with a furtive look at his companions_] Erm… Fatty… could I have a word with you?

FATTY JACKSON: Sure, what's up?

LEGOLAS: You know, after I had my hair bleached last summer – you don't mind if I talk normally with you, do you? – well, I went to California on vacation, and there I learned this really cool surfing feat.

FATTY JACKSON: So?

LEGOLAS: Well, I thought it would be kind of cool, like, to include it somewhere in the movie, er, play.

FATTY JACKSON: Legolas, our time is limited. We have to stick to the essentials, such as Aragorn falling off a cliff and dreaming of having s… kissing Arwen.

LEGOLAS: [_throwing a tantrum_] I don't care about the essentials! I want my surfing feat! Cut out Tom Bombadil then, he's a stupid freak anyway! Or cut out Saruman's death scene! Cut out the burning of the Shire! I don't care what you cut out, but I want to do my surfing trick! Else I'm going to quit! Now!

FATTY JACKSON: Hmmm… you're a miserable actor; but I've spent too much on your hair care and beauty products already, I can't afford to lose you now.

LEGOLAS [_drying his tears_]: A bit of skating would be cool, like, as well…

FATTY JACKSON: I'll see what I can do.

-

**Scene 5**

[_Fighting at Helm's Deep._]

ARAGORN: Haldir, what are _you_ doing here?

HALDIR: For the saketh of intercultural communication the Elves had to leave their poetry slams and role playing entertainment in the golden forest, and the Elvish sun has to dawn and die in the deepest depths of Helm's Deep.

ARAGORN: Er … right … anyway, I'm glad you're here. Only, I guess the Last Alliance has to be renamed into the Second-Last Alliance now.

HALDIR: Speaking of inappropriate changes to the book: Haveth thy seen thou girlfriend lately?

ARAGORN: [_grinds teeth_]

-

**Scene 6**

[_More fighting at Helm's Deep._]

LEGOLAS: Hey, Fatty, do you remember that promise of yours?

-

**Scene**** 7**

[_Still more fighting at Helm's deep._]

FATTY JACKSON: We need more fighting scenes…

-

**Scene 8**

[_Still even more fighting at Helm's Deep. Many Orcs and Men get killed, even some Elves_.]

FATTY JACKSON: Merry! Hey, Merry!!! Go and get the heads!

MERRY: Errr… sorry?

FATTY JACKSON: You heard me! The orc heads! And man heads! And even-some-elf heads! Oh, and Merry, clean them. I need the skulls! Lots of skulls!

MERRY: What for? Do you have an… unhealthy fascination with skulls???

FATTY JACKSON: Shut up, you nitwit! I need them for the play!

MERRY: I don't remember any skulls in the book…

FATTY JACKSON: Hehe, that's because there aren't any. Only idiots go by the book. This will be exclusive material, only for the equally obs… the crème de la crème of Jacks... Tolkien fans! [_mumbles incoherently_] … Extended Edition … skulls … Paths of the Dead… skulls … avalanche of skulls … wade in skulls… [_getting louder_] the actors will drown in skulls … the audience will drown in skulls … the world will drown in skulls! [_shouts_] No one will ever have as many skulls in a play as I have! I will be the Skull King! All will see them and despair! Muahahaha! [_maniacal laugh_]

MERRY: [_tips him on the shoulder_] Er… Fatty! It just occurred to me… I'm not even supposed to be in this scene. Shouldn't I be at Isengard now, smoking Old Toby and doing nothing as usual?

FATTY JACKSON: [_annoyed_] Eh, what? I can cut you out later! Now go and get those skulls!


	3. Act III: The Return of the King

**Act III: The Return of the King**

**Scene 1:**

[_Minas Tirith. Denethor and Gandalf arguing_.]

DENETHOR: No, Gandalf. You're far too nice to me. Hit me! I deserve it.

GANDALF: As your therapist I consider this a totally detrimental treatment. Besides, I like you. You're a bit depressed and self-destructive, but on the whole a really nice chap.

DENETHOR: Hit me, Gandalf! With your staff! Knock me out!

GANDALF: But I don't want to! That's not in keeping with my character!

DENETHOR: Oh, Fatty doesn't care about your character! Just do it!

GANDALF: [_desperate_] But I can't! You haven't attacked me! I've got a reputation to keep!

FATTY JACKSON'_s voice from off-stage_: Oh for Eru's sake Gandalf, don't be such a crybaby! I want actions not words! At least if you don't have any empty, non-committal, dramatic phrases such as "The darkness is rising, the quest is hanging by a thread…"

GANDALF: Ok, ok, got it! [_sighs and knocks Denethor unconscious_.]

-

**Scene 2**

FATTY JACKSON: We need more fighting scenes… And I have to draw them out longer, I think … And more people need to get killed.

-

**Scene 3**

[_Minas Tirith. Denethor is lying on a couch, Gandalf sitting beside him with a notepad and pencil_]

GANDALF: So, Denethor, how are we feeling today? Still want to commit suicide?

DENETHOR: Yesss! How can I live after Fatty made me eat in such a humiliating way and insisted on showing it to the whole world?! Bring wood and oil!

GANDALF: Faramir will miss you.

DENETHOR: I'll take him with me! Bring a double portion of wood and oil!

GANDALF: This won't work. I know that as your therapist I'm bound to observe confidentiality, but this doesn't apply to such a case. I'll tell your guard and call them for help.

DENETHOR: They won't listen to you! They obey me! Bring wood and oil!

GANDALF: Then it is my duty as a conscientious citizen to save you myself. I will ride the doors down at the last minute and drag you and Faramir out of the fire.

DENETHOR: Hehe, _your_ plan won't work! I've already told Fatty that if you should do that, he shall force you to ride me down and kick me back into the fire. You shall watch me burn and fall to my death without intervening, and then say "So passes Denethor, Son of Ecthelion" in a way that sounds like pure sarcasm, and thus your reputation will be ruined forever. Hehehe! It may not be as bad as my eating scene, but at least I won't be the only one who has to suffer!

GANDALF: [_puts his head in his hands and groans_]

DENETHOR: Hehehe! I bet Fatty will listen to _me_ and not to you! Bring wood and oil! The rule over Gondor is _mine_!

-

**Scene 4**

[_FRODO and SAM are trudging up Mount Doom in Orc gear_.]

SAM: Mr Frodo, I think the audience is getting a bit bored by now. We've been doing basically the same for the last two hours or so.

FRODO: Not the real Tolkien fans. They never get bored.

SAM: I don't think there's any of them left here by now. Besides, I want to get home and marry Rosie before she's too old to get little hobbit brats – all of whom strangely look like Fatty's kids, but nevertheless. We have to think of the future of the Shire, the birth rate has sunk dramatically over the past years.

FRODO: Oh, in that case… But Sam, you shouldn't have told the audience that you're not gay after all. Remember what Fatty said!

SAM: Oh, alright, I can be bisexual then. [_exaggerated_] Ooohhh, can you hold me in your arms while we're dying, Mr Frodo?

FRODO: Ok, that'll do. Now let's fast-forward this to the end.

GOLLUM/ SMEAGOL: Thanksssss for leaving ussss out! Firsssst givesss usss faulty Englishhhhh and ssssstupid sssspeech impediment, then cutssss usssss out completely! And no-one hassss ever said "precioussss" in this whole play, though that's what it's suppossssseded to be about! Talk about dissssscriminating against minoritiesssss!

FATTY JACKSON: Hey, I had you in! I couldn't foresee this shortcut! I'm against it!

FRODO and SAM: Shut up!

TOM BOMBADIL: [_rises again and claps_]

-

**Scene 5**

ARAGORN_'s voice from off-stage_: Hey, what about my wedding scene! You can't leave that out! I don't want to have practised all that kissing last week for nothing!

FATTY JACKSON: Hmm, maybe this shortcut isn't such a bad idea after all…

-

**Scene 6**

[_The same country road in the Shire as in Act I Scene 1, the same hobbits trudging along._]

SAM: Hey, we're back in the Shire!

MERRY: And it's so green and quiet and rustic and the ideal ideal of the English countryside!

PIPPIN: And Scottish countryside!

SAM: Just as we are the ideal ideal of the English country population!

PIPPIN: And Scottish country population!

FRODO: Yeah, dumb, ear-picking, smoking, boozing, narrow-minded, hostile towards strangers, fat, with lopsided mouths …

FATTY JACKSON: Cut that! My hobbits aren't like that! They don't have self-irony either!

SAM: [_sings_] "…It rolled off the table,  
And on to the floor,  
And then my poor meatball,  
Rolled out of the door..."

MERRY: Has it occurred to anyone that most of the songs were left out of this production?

FRODO: Yeah, thank Eru. Ever heard Strider singing?

SAM: This one's in twice, anyway! [_grins complacently_]

[_sings_] "…It rolled off the table,  
And on to the floor,  
And then my poor meatball,  
Rolled out of the door."

Thrice!

PIPPIN: I'm glad we've finally stripped this script down to the essentials!

FRODO: And I'm sooo glad Saruman didn't come ahead of us and destroy the Shire after all!

SAM: Yeah, all thanks to Legolas and his shield-skating and elephant-surfing!

ALL HOBBITS: Hurray for Legolas!

LEGOLAS: [_smoothes his already smooth hair and beams at the audience with his perfect white teeth. Curtain falls_.]

~ THE END ~

-

_Disclaimer__: Obviously, the characters aren't mine. Neither is the song "On top of spaghetti" which is an old nursery rhyme. The verse quoted by Legolas in Act I Scene 7 is taken from a poem by George Gordon Lord Byron._

_Finally, I would like to stress that I actually quite like the films. However, in making a parody, I had to pounce on their weaknesses. Some things are exaggerated, though, or just inserted to make it funnier, so nothing in this parody should be taken too seriously._


End file.
